My therapist warned me that soon the eating disorder would begin rearing it’s ugly head again because I have been progressing so well in my recovery. She said that it would put on a full-court press in an effort to get me to freak out and return back to anorexia.
I believe that the full-court is happening right now.
Let me explain.
Just three days ago I lost my job.
This was not in my plans. It puts a complete wrinkle in my future and possibly could prevent me from going into ministry. It means insecurity, uncertainty, and worse, too much down-time.
I am beyond worried, beyond concerned, beyond scared, BEYOND freaked-out.
I am terrified.
Already I have started having a few vicious battles with my eating disorder. I have started restricting again, convinced that I am STILL eating too much food and now need to cut back because I won’t be as active. I have stopped all efforts of cutting back further on exercise because now it’s every man for himself and I feel that I have to get as much exercise as I possibly can or else I’m going to gain weight. I’ve even begun regularly criticizing my body, standing in front of my mirror, cringing at my appearance. I have rolls, I am certain. My belly is still not flat and my butt is bubbly.
I hate it.
I hate the body bashing, the feeling of deprivation, the constant scrutiny of food and then the guilt after eating it.
I don’t want to do this anymore DAMN IT!!
I did not FIGHT FOR MY LIFE over the past 8 months only to have everything go rushing back down the drain again.
I worked too hard for this.
It is going to be tough, brutal, and painful.
But I am NOT GOING TO GIVE UP! I can’t!!
Because I know that if I allow myself to be dragged back downwards, this time I won’t make it out alive.