A Change in Plans

My therapist warned me that soon the eating disorder would begin rearing it’s ugly head again because I have been progressing so well in my recovery.  She said that it would put on a full-court press in an effort to get me to freak out and return back to anorexia.

I believe that the full-court is happening right now.

Let me explain.

Just three days ago I lost my job.

This was not in my plans.  It puts a complete wrinkle in my future and possibly could prevent me from going into ministry.  It means insecurity, uncertainty, and worse, too much down-time. 

I am beyond worried, beyond concerned, beyond scared, BEYOND freaked-out.

I am terrified.

Already I have started having a few vicious battles with my eating disorder.  I have started restricting again, convinced that I am STILL eating too much food and now need to cut back because I won’t be as active.  I have stopped all efforts of cutting back further on exercise because now it’s every man for himself and I feel that I have to get as much exercise as I possibly can or else I’m going to gain weight.  I’ve even begun regularly criticizing my body, standing in front of my mirror, cringing at my appearance.  I have rolls, I am certain.  My belly is still not flat and my butt is bubbly.

I hate it.

I hate the body bashing, the feeling of deprivation, the constant scrutiny of food and then the guilt after eating it.

I don’t want to do this anymore DAMN IT!!

I did not FIGHT FOR MY LIFE over the past 8 months only to have everything go rushing back down the drain again.

I worked too hard for this.

It is going to be tough, brutal, and painful.

But I am NOT GOING TO GIVE UP!  I can’t!!

Because I know that if I allow myself to be dragged back downwards, this time I won’t make it out alive.

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