Let it Out

I didn’t eat dinner tonight.

I was feeling really hurt, and upset, and angry at a fight that my mom and I had on Sunday.  I was hurt that she refused to listen to my side of the story and instead just walked out of the room in some immature fit, leaving the problem unsolved.  I hate when she just walks away from fights like that. 

In my session with my Christian therapist today we discussed the ways in which I was still holding on to my eating disorder.  I discovered that I still like to use my eating disorder as a weapon to manipulate others, and hurt others when I am not heard.  It feels good knowing that I have that kind of power over them.  Sometimes it’s the only way I can communicate that I am upset, because when they see me actively restricting then they suddenly take notice that there is a problem.

I also use it to hurt myself.

When I am hurt by others I like to hurt myself because I can’t hurt them.  Although now that I have learned to express my anger I end up doing a double whammy and hurting my family with my words along with still hurting myself by restricting.

My family is the cornerstone of the hurt in my life.  They really know how to hurt me.  They really know how to hurt the family.

I hate it.

After turning out the lights tonight I lay in my bed and reflected on the day.  I thought about what I was feeling and why I was angry and why I was hurt.  And then I thought about how my therapist told me that God is always here for me and how He understands my hurt.  And I started talking to God. 

At first I was just talking in my head, while still attempting to sleep.  But then I realized that if I was really going to get this out and deal with it, I needed to fully commit to praying.

So I sat up in my bed and I spoke aloud to God.

I told Him everything that was bothering me.  I told him that I was hurt by my family and how my mom didn’t listen to me.  I told Him that I was hurt by my job and my stupid boss and how my coworkers are so cold and unfriendly to me.  I told Him that I was hurt that I was so confused about my recovery, and my eating disorder and my ministry.  Then I dug deeper and told Him that I was pissed about how my dad constantly sits in front of the computer every hour of every day and how hurt I was that my dad makes that computer his world and never listens to me.  I told Him that I was deeply hurt that I don’t feel safe in my family and how I never want to be home and how I can never just have peace and quiet and silence because everyone is so loud and the three dogs are constantly barking.  I told Him, honestly, that I truly hated my family and didn’t want to be around them and how I was hurt that I even felt that way because it is just so awful to hate your family.  I got into a lot of issues, some recent, some that happened years ago but still bother me, and ended up just purging up this whole list of things.  I cried my eyes out and just let the tears flow.  And even though some of the things I said were mean and made me feel like an awful person, I didn’t really feel like God was upset.  I didn’t feel like He was judging me.  I just felt comforted by the fact that I could openly tell Him everything.

And He listened.

I didn’t hear His voice, I didn’t exactly feel His presence or suddenly feel like I had all the answers.  That usually doesn’t happen.

But eventually I felt this sense of peace suddenly come over me and felt like even though things were still bad and weren’t resolved, that I was just okay.

I really felt good to get everything out and fully feel the hurt I was feeling.  I realized that I often use my eating disorder in order to feel my emotions because it is just so awkward to actually FEEL.  I don’t really like crying, and I don’t like being angry.  Even if I do allow myself to be angry I always feel so guilty and awful afterwards, like I am a horrible person.  Also, most of the time I get criticized for expressing my anger which just makes me feel even worse.  But when I use my eating disorder to feel my anger, either through exercising or restricting, then it is truly a delicous feeling and I can be as angry as I want as long as I am only hurting myself.

But tonight when I allowed myself to cry, it felt good.  It was painful to experience my hurt and come face-to-face with it, but I know that God was pressing me to deal with my issues.  If I keep avoiding them I am never going to get any better.

After I was done purging, I thanked God for everything good that had happened lately.  I thanked Him for my friends and how they are the best friends I could have ever asked for.  I thanked Him for my new church and just how awesomely amazing it is.  I asked Him if He would please use me and told me how much I want to serve Him there.  I finished by thanking Him for always being here for me in every part of every day, from the smallest to the biggest moments.  I picked out one moment in my life today in which He had been there for me and thanked Him for that.  Then I thanked Him for just loving me and said Amen.  As I lay back down on my pillow, I felt refreshed, relieved, and just plain exaughsted.  Sleep sounded good.  But then a small thought popped into my head to turn on the radio.  So I did.  And the song, “Never Alone” by Barlow Girl was playing.

I listened to the lyrics and for the first time I truly understood just what they meant.

Never Alone by Barlow Girl

I waited for you today
But You didn’t show
I needed You today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
you said You’d be there
And though I haven’t seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply and
I can’t feel You by my side
So I’ll hold tight to what I know
You’re here and I’m never alone.

And though I can not see You
and I can’t explain why.
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You’ve placed in my life oh
We cannot separate
‘Cause You’re part of me
and though You’re invisible
I’ll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can’t feel You by my side
So I’ll hold tight to what I know
You’re here and I’m never alone

We cannot separate
You’re part of me
and though You’re invisible
I’ll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
and I can’t feel You by my side
So I’ll hold tight to what I know
You’re here and I’m never alone

If you haven’t heard this song yet, I insist you check it out here.

You see in the Chorus when Barlow Girl says,

I cried out with no reply
and I can’t feel You by my side
So I’ll hold tight to what I know
You’re here and I’m never alone”

It doesn’t mean that God is an awful God who doesn’t care about you or isn’t around.  That’s what I USED to think.  Rather, it means that even though we can’t always see God, we can’t always feel God, and we can’t always hear God, He is always there and He is always listening to us.

I believe that God purposely put that song on the radio in that moment, to remind me that He was here for me and He really heard me tonight.

I am so touched by His love for me.

I love when uses something as simple as a song to talk to me.

How Big is God.

Side note:  After hearing the song I wanted to go to bed, but immediately felt God telling me to write this post.  Even though it’s later than I wanted to go to bed tonight, I’m glad I did.  God is amazing.

Question to Ponder:  How has God spoken to you in your life lately?  What are some of the amazing things He has done for you in the smallest ways?


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