I’m kinda really mad right now.
I’m having a bad day.
Now, it wasn’t supposed to be bad. In fact, it was supposed to be a freaking awesome
day night, because I was going to hang out with my friends downtown and go out for a few drinks. I was really excited about this and couldn’t wait to get all dolled up and go out. Plus, there was beer involved, and well, I kind of like the taste of beer.
Um, yeah. Guess my boss didn’t care that I actually had a life. You see, even though he had posted the schedule a week ago he suddenly decided to come up to me today and ask me to work tomorrow. Because there’s a huge event going on. Which I was NOT supposed to work. But I now am. Which means I have to wake my butt up at 4 o’freakin clock in the morning, get ready, make a quick smoothie and be out the door by 5:30 AM!!! in order to make it to work by 6:30.
So after he decided to grace me with this blessed news (note the heavy sarcasm???), I was MAD, and UPSET, and HURT for the remainder of the day. I ate a quick lunch, coasted through the lunch rush (I’m a server), and jetted my way to the gym where I had a quick post-workout snack. And then, to make my day even BETTER, my mom called me just before I was going to go in and made me even madder because she can make the biggest deal out of the tiniest thing. It is SO FRUSTRATING!!!
By the time I hit the elliptical I was good and mad. I fired up my I-pod, put on the angriest music I could find, and pounded away.
Currently, I am sitting upstairs in my room, and surfing the internet while finishing off a dinner of french toast and a mango. Delish.
HOLD ON A SECOND. CAN ANYBODY TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE??????
Okay, I’ll tell you. Here’s the big clue:
1. My boss asked me to work tomorrow BEFORE my lunch break. I still ate lunch.
2. Even though I was still angry after work, I still ate my snack.
3. My mom made me super mad and hurt before I went to go workout.
4. I did not over-exercise.
5. I ate dinner.
Now do you see what’s wrong?
Even though I was extremely angry today and my feelings were really hurt, I DID NOT ALLOW them to cause me to restrict my food, or to increase my exercise. I didn’t even realize how meaningful this was until I was driving home after the gym. Just a few years earlier I would do exactly the opposite of what I did tonight.
When I was made I would restrict. When I was sad I would restrict. When I was hurt I would restrict. I would also exercise more. I like to hurt when I’m feeling hurt by life. It’s the only way I know how to deal with pain.
I’ll admit though, it wasn’t easy tonight. While I was working up a fierocous sweat on my elliptical, I was doing a lot of boss/mom/world bashing, and already making up plans for how I was going to skip dinner tonight and maybe just maybe put in an extra 30 minutes of exercising. BUT I DIDN’T. By the time my session was over, my head felt a lot clearer, and I felt a lot better (though still kind of angry), . It was very therapeautic. I love working out when I’m good and mad.
I believe that God, in His own quirky way, decided to use today’s events as lesson in how far I have come in my recovery. Tonight I didn’t overexercise because I knew that I didn’t deserve it and I honestly did not want to hurt myself. The constant pain in my right foot and knee also helps me to BACK OFF when I am feeling tempted to just do a little bit more. Believe me, NOTHING is worth the pain. I also didn’t restrict because I didn’t want to deprive my body of food and I kind of just wanted to have a nice, good, delicious meal that I could sit down and enjoy. I kind of deserved it after my long hard day today.
You know what else I noticed? I noticed how upset I got when I couldn’t go hang out with my friends. In the past month, God has blessed me with a new group of amazing friends and I am doing everything in my power to hang out with them as much as I can. Before, I would always balk at going out because I didn’t want to miss a meal or miss exercise. Now, I would much rather just chomp on a quick snack and just go out and have fun! Did you also notice that I said I liked beer???? LOL!! That is such a huge step for me!!! Before I was terrified of drinking because I didn’t want to have the extra calories!!! I also have always hated the taste and smell ever since I was around this Budweiser booth at a fair. But then a couple of weeks ago I just decided, “Hey I would like to have a beer!” And so I tried it, and I LIKED it, and ever since then I always have a couple of sips whenever I go out!!
That is seriously the funniest revelation of all!! I never thought that I would say, “I LIKE BEER!!”
So even though tonight sucked majorly, I’m grateful that God showed me how far removed I am from my eating disorder. I really have come a long way 🙂
1. My favorite beer I have tried to date is Coors Light.
2. The CD I workout out to today was “Until We Have Faces” by Red. They are my new favorite “workout-band.” My favorite song of theirs is “The Outside.” You can check it out here:
3. My I-pod’s name is Mortimer. Don’t ask me why. I debated over Peanut, and Garbanzo for a while but one day I woke up from sleeping and the name Mortimer just popped into my head. So there you have it.
4. I always eat a post-workout snack. I’m actually kind of afraid to go without one because I don’t want to run out of energy.
Question to ponder: What is a major step you have made in your recovery lately?