Revelation: Steps in Recovery

I’m kinda really mad right now.

I’m having a bad day.

Now, it wasn’t supposed to be bad.  In fact, it was supposed to be a freaking awesome day night, because I was going to hang out with my friends downtown and go out for a few drinks.  I was really excited about this and couldn’t wait to get all dolled up and go out.  Plus, there was beer involved, and well, I kind of like the taste of beer.

Um, yeah.  Guess my boss didn’t care that I actually had a life.  You see, even though he had posted the schedule a week ago he suddenly decided to come up to me today and ask me to work tomorrow.  Because there’s a huge event going on.  Which I was NOT supposed to work.  But I now am.  Which means I have to wake my butt up at 4 o’freakin clock in the morning, get ready, make a quick smoothie and be out the door by 5:30 AM!!!  in order to make it to work by 6:30.

Again.

Not.  Fun.

So after he decided to grace me with this blessed news (note the heavy sarcasm???), I was MAD, and UPSET, and HURT for the remainder of the day.  I ate a quick lunch, coasted through the lunch rush (I’m a server), and jetted my way to the gym where I had a quick post-workout snack.  And then, to make my day even BETTER, my mom called me just before I was going to go in and made me even madder because she can make the biggest deal out of the tiniest thing.  It is SO FRUSTRATING!!! 

By the time I hit the elliptical I was good and mad.  I fired up my I-pod, put on the angriest music I could find, and pounded away. 

Currently, I am sitting upstairs in my room, and surfing the internet while finishing off a dinner of french toast and a mango.  Delish.

HOLD ON A SECOND.  CAN ANYBODY TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE??????

Okay, I’ll tell you.  Here’s the big clue:

I’M ANOREXIC.

1.  My boss asked me to work tomorrow BEFORE my lunch break.  I still ate lunch.

2.  Even though I was still angry after work, I still ate my snack. 

3.  My mom made me super mad and hurt before I went to go workout.

4.  I did not over-exercise.

5.  I ate dinner.

Now do you see what’s wrong?

Even though I was extremely angry today and my feelings were really hurt, I DID NOT ALLOW them to cause me to restrict my food, or to increase my exercise.  I didn’t even realize how meaningful this was until I was driving home after the gym.  Just a few years earlier I would do exactly the opposite of what I did tonight.

When I was made I would restrict.  When I was sad I would restrict.  When I was hurt I would restrict.  I would also exercise more.  I like to hurt when I’m feeling hurt by life.  It’s the only way I know how to deal with pain.

I’ll admit though, it wasn’t easy tonight.  While I was working up a fierocous sweat on my elliptical, I was doing a lot of boss/mom/world bashing, and already making up plans for how I was going to skip dinner tonight and maybe just maybe put in an extra 30 minutes of exercising.  BUT I DIDN’T.  By the time my session was over, my head felt a lot clearer, and I felt a lot better (though still kind of angry), .  It was very therapeautic.  I love working out when I’m good and mad.

I believe that God, in His own quirky way, decided to use today’s events as lesson in how far I have come in my recovery.  Tonight I didn’t overexercise because I knew that I didn’t deserve it and I honestly did not want to hurt myself.  The constant pain in my right foot and knee also helps me to BACK OFF when I am feeling tempted to just do a little bit more.  Believe me, NOTHING is worth the pain.  I also didn’t restrict because I didn’t want to deprive my body of food and I kind of just wanted to have a nice, good, delicious meal that I could sit down and enjoy.  I kind of deserved it after my long hard day today.

You know what else I noticed?  I noticed how upset I got when I couldn’t go hang out with my friends.  In the past month, God has blessed me with a new group of amazing friends and I am doing everything in my power to hang out with them as much as I can.  Before, I would always balk at going out because I didn’t want to miss a meal or miss exercise.  Now, I would much rather just chomp on a quick snack and just go out and have fun!   Did you also notice that I said I liked beer????  LOL!!   That is such a huge step for me!!!  Before I was terrified of drinking because I didn’t want to have the extra calories!!!  I also have always hated the taste and smell ever since I was around this Budweiser booth at a fair.  But then a couple of weeks ago I just decided, “Hey I would like to have a beer!”  And so I tried it, and I LIKED it, and ever since then I always have a couple of sips whenever I go out!!

That is seriously the funniest revelation of all!!  I never thought that I would say, “I LIKE BEER!!”

So even though tonight sucked majorly, I’m grateful that God showed me how far removed I am from my eating disorder.  I really have come a long way 🙂

Fun facts: 

1.  My favorite beer I have tried to date is Coors Light.

2.  The CD I workout out to today was “Until We Have Faces” by Red.  They are my new favorite “workout-band.”  My favorite song of theirs is “The Outside.”  You can check it out here

3.  My I-pod’s name is Mortimer.  Don’t ask me why.  I debated over Peanut, and Garbanzo for a while but one day I woke up from sleeping and the name Mortimer just popped into my head.  So there you have it.

4.  I always eat a post-workout snack.  I’m actually kind of afraid to go without one because I don’t want to run out of energy.

Question to ponder:  What is a major step you have made in your recovery lately?

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1 Comment

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One response to “Revelation: Steps in Recovery

  1. Hi!
    I got your blog link from Dana’s blog. I’m also anorexic I’m TRYING my best to recover something clicked when a friend of mine said last summer “I don’t want to come back for a funereal.” That took me aback and I knew then that I needed the help, so I got the help but it didn’t help I was in treatment for 3 weeks for what they call ‘symptom interruption’. It wasn’t long enough, but at least I’m trying though right?

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