It took me a long time to get where I am right now in my recovery. About 6 years too long. I’ve been through it all, had a couple of relapses, and traveled through hell and back. Yeah, it was not fun.
I’m actually pretty proud of myself for being able to accomplish so much and for never giving up. I’m also amazed that God never gave up on me.
But I’ve still got some things I need to work on.
Specifically I need to learn how to eat restaurant foods and any other type of food that doesn’t fall into my “SAFE” category. I’m fine eating anything that is all-natural and free of preservatives, additives, artificial ingredients and all that other junk. But when it comes to eating anything other than these foods, I balk. Although I love eating foods that are good for me and love respecting my body and treating it right, my fears still limit me from being completely free. I want to be completely free, unafraid of any food in the world. I want to get to the point where I can sit down and eat a piece of freaking cake without guilt, or freaking out or worrying about how it fits into my plan. Even though it’s not a huge deal to only eat all-natural foods, for me this is not “normal eating” because it is still allowing my eating disorder to have some control over my life.
I also need to work on trusting my body. And letting go of the scale. I don’t weight myself religiously anymore or worry if the scale has gone up a little bit. I have learned that our bodies will fluctuate in weight during the day and even over the week and that THIS IS NORMAL. But I still worry about going over my set-point. I’m afraid that if I cut back on my exercise my body will jump in weight. I also find myself continually wanting my body to be lower in my range each time I visit my dietician and being upset during the week if I notice that it goes up.
In some areas I still want to be small. I still want to have that skinny-ness factor, that reassurance that I’m special, and beautiful, and SAFE (there’s that word again)…..But I need to let that go, and just TRUST!
The last thing that I need to work on is exercise. This is my biggest weakest. The devil knows that he can jab his little thorns in there at any time and upset me if I don’t exercise. I haven’t quite reached the point yet where I have taken a day off, but I know that eventually it is going to come.
I’m kind of scared. I haven’t been in touch with my eating disorder in so long that I don’t know how I am going to react. Am I going to be scared? Am I going to freak? Am I going to be completely calm? I’m actually more worried about restricting my food for that day because I don’ t know how much I would “need” to take out to count for the missed day. But the thing is, I DON’T WANT TO RESTRICT!! Just the mere thought of restricting my food makes me feel sick. I never want to feel deprived again.
I also finally made the decision to just get my stupid knee in for an MRI and accept the results. This is super scary for me because I know they are going to find something. There has been so much pain lately that it is going to be impossible for them not to find something. I just don’t know what. I’m scared of having to stop exercise completely during this time. It totally freaks me out.
But I know that my body needs to heal. And I respect my body and want it to be better. I’m tired of feeling like an 80-year old woman with arthritis pains, and wobbly knees. So I’m going for the plunge. I have to.
I believe that God wants me to go through this just so I can learn even further how to fully trust Him. If I am ever going to be free and be useful in His plan for my ministry then I need to knock out this one last demon.
It’s going to be hard, but I think I’m ready.
If anything, I WANT TO BE FREE.