This post is inspired by my feelings of overwhelming guilt and depression for not going to church today. I’ve been keeping a lot of this bottled up and it’s high time I faced it.
Every time I do this “recovery thing” I always find myself confused at pretty much everything else in life. I get lost in my relationship with God, I get lost in knowing myself, I get lost in relationships. It’s like I don’t know how to function or how to view myself without being anorexic.
During my last attempt at recovery I went through this time period in where I was trying to figure out who I was. I found myself doing a lot of research on mental disorders and came to the conclusion that I was OCD. This has been pretty much proved regarding a lot of behaviors of mine, but that’s not the point. The point is that I was trying to find something that was wrong with me. I wanted to find something to explain why I am the way that I am. I felt like I needed to have a reason because without that reason then I was inevitably either a). a bad person, or b.) crazy. Of course I couldn’t accept even the idea that I was a bad person so I settled on the latter.
I was crazy. I had to be. I went so far as to convince myself of that and even lived believing it for a while. I started having anxiety attacks and intense bouts of fear. I foiund myself questioning absolutely every aspect evey tiny little inch of my life from past to present, until God pretty much knocked me upside the head and said, “Knock it off, that’s not true.” Unfortunately I still believe it from time to time. It’s like once the devil got his little thorns in there they remained stuck in my flesh and I am too spiritually weak to pry them out. You know what they say about footholds……
Fast forward to the present. I’m right back in the same place once again. I feel confused. I feel lost. I feel foreign. Right now my relationship with God is pretty much non existent. I don’t really pray, I certainly don’t read my Bible, and I haven’t been going to church. I feel extremely guilty about these things because I know that I can’t do this without Him but at the same time I feel like that’s the only reason I still hold on to Him. I want to recover and be able to minister to other girls but I feel like I can’t if I don’t “know” Him. Sadly, my relationship with Him has become almost a sort of obligation. It’s not real, it’s not deep, it’s not even personal. The only time I talk to Him is to ask Him for small things, to change my life or make it better, or to take bad things away. And it is painful to realize that. And everytime I start trying to connect with Him again and end up failing, I get discouraged and feel guilty because it’s related to my eating disorder and then pretty much give up altogether. But I can’t despair.
You see, I so desperately want to fall in love with Him. I want to pursue Him and know Him and talk to Him and have that intimate personal, deep deep relationship that I plunge myself into until it comes up to my shoulders. I aspire to be like powerful women of the Word that I see ministering, like Beth Moore, Patsy Clairmont, and Nancy Swindoll. I so long, nay, ache, to be that way but I don’t know how. I want it to be genuine, I want it to be real. I don’t want it to be forced or done out of obligation or done out of guilt.
I want it to be real.
So what do I do? How do I be “REAL” in my relationship with Him. I’m not quite sure, but I would like to keep holding on enough so that I can at least find out.
I know I can’t live without Him and I know I don’t want to.
Note: I wasn’t kidding when I mentioned in my intro post that this blog was going to be raw, real, and at times painful. Regardless of whether I lose readers or gain some, this is pretty much for me. I need to get this stuff out and I need to face my life instead of always stuffing it inside. It helps to have it public too, because I still want to help others and I also like hearing when others can relate to me. It makes me feel normal. So thanks. I won’t apologize for the intense honesty of this blog though. This is me. I’m not going to censor that.