I feel lost again. Somewhere along the lines I feel like the memory of who I used to be in my eating disorder and the reality of who I am now got smushed together and became indistinct.
I feel like I have lost who I once was, almost like I can’t remember that person anymore. Frequently I find myself reading other recovery blogs and not being able to identify with their struggles, or even envying the fact that they still have food fears and challenges to overcome. Why though? Why do I do this?
As I’m writing this I actually think the answer is pretty straight forward–I miss it. Honest to God, I miss my eating disorder. I truly MISS being afraid of food. I miss feeling skinny. I miss the constant voice of my eating disorder whispering in my ear, causing me to shun every last morsel of food. I miss the feeling of power and specialness that I got from being so skeletal. I miss being anorexic.
But why? Because I’m sick that’s why. LOL. Actually I think it’s because I place so much value and worth into my eating disorder. I gave it so much power, so much control. It consumed my being, both mental and physical, until it became my identity. Truly I feel lost without it. Lost, alone, scared, and confused. Like I don’t know who I am anymore. Sometimes I think that being eating disordered is the only person I can be. I’m obsessed with it. I constantly find my attention immediately averted whenever I see or hear about someone also having an eating disorder.
Strangely though, all of this–all of these feelings–is not new to me. I remember feeling like this before a couple of years ago, and then again after my hospital release, and then AGAIN, the first time I relapsed. I always feel like I let go of my eating disorder too soon, and jumped into recovery too fast. I started eating too quickly, I gained weight too quickly, blah, blah, blah. But…..these are all just lies. I can’t ever have a perfect recovery because there is no perfect recovery! It’s trial and error and error and trial and fail and try try try again over and over. But for some reason I can’t seem to get that through my head!! It’s like I am looking for the perfect recovery but I can never get there—just like my eating disorder!!!
I realize now that I am terrified of losing it. I am terrified of forgetting my eating disorder and forgetting what it was like to be anorexic. Being that sick fulfilled something for me I guess. It made me feel powerful, special, unique. And now….I’m not I guess.
I just feel so lost. Can anybody offer any advice?