Renewal. Rejuvenation. Rebirth.
This year has certainly marked a major milestone in my life. For the first time in 6 years I was able to completely abandon my eating disorder and leave it behind. In fact this was actually the first Christmas since I was 15 that I was at a healthy weight. Never before have I done this. Not even when I was released from IP at 18 years. Usually right around Halloween time is when I start getting scared, anticipating colder weather and generally just losing it to stress. By the time Thanksgiving rolls around I’ve already dropped about 10 pounds. But this year I held on. I held tight. And Christmas came rolling in and I was still holding strong.
I didn’t lose weight. I didn’t lose ground. I didn’t restrict. I even had a couple of Christmas Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies that I made myself.
To say that I am proud of myself is not just an understatement, it is a lie. I am floored. I am overwhelmed. I am completely awed and humbled and speechless at the power of God this year.
To be one hundred percent completely honest, if it wasn’t for his divine intervention in July by placing me in this forsaken job that (although I hate) pushed me to change my ways, I would be dead.
Let me repeat that:
I would be d e a d.
6 7 months ago, I was at my lowest weight ever, even lower than IP. And I made it through.
I am just so completely awed at how much God loves me. I don’t know why He does, or what He sees in me all the time that is so beautiful, but He does. He loves me. That’s all I know.
And I love Him back just as much.
In the New Year, 2011, may this be the year in which I finally leave my blasted eating disorder behind once and for all. May it literally be trapped in the realm of 2010, the door slammed shut in its face so that it is forever condemned in the hell of the last 6 years and can never cross over to the New Year. I want no part of it. I am ready to live my life. I am ready to see just what I can do for God, and how to use my story, my experiences, my life to help others.
May this year also be the time where I finally learn to trust God more fully, to surrender my entire life to Him, and just be able to step back and let him have the reins. May my relationship with Him blossom, and flourish, and grow so strong that nothing can shake it.
And so, with absolutely no regrets, I am forever leaving anorexia. I used to think of this moment as bittersweet but now I really don’t care. I just want it gone. I want my life back.
Here’s to one last goodbye: