As I sit here, dwelling in yet ANOTHER night of self-induced insomnia and sleep starvation, I can feel the butterflies in my stomach begin to churn. Their little wings flutter incessantly inside my body, as my mind frantically races in endless circles. My heart begins to pulses wildly and I find myself gasping, desperate and lost for the solution to my problem.
I want to change jobs. I need to change jobs. I need to get on and move on with my life. I deserve to be happy. But there is just one tiny little obstacle standing in my way: Me.
I am afraid of change. Deathly afraid. I am afraid to make new decisions because I fear that they will ruin my life, screw up my exercise, and plummet me further into depression and stress. I can’t even begin to describe how terrified I am. I just know that I would absolutely freak if I made another bad decision on a job transfer. I’m really scared. I do not handle stress well and I know that if the next job I chose was a bad one then, well, I actually don’t know what I’d do. I would just freak. And that’s not good.
Usually when I am overcome with stress I completely break down. Like literally I do not know how to handle stress so I immediately retreat back into my eating disorder. It has happened before, it has happened numerous times. It could very well happen again. But this time scares me more than all the others because of the progress I have made. Because of the desperation for food I put myself through last year, I really cannot deny myself food any longer. I need food. I deserve food. Food is my life source. Furthermore, because my exercise is limited to low-impact machines due to my knee injury, I cannot afford to up my exercise anymore.
So what do I do? I am so afraid that I can’t stand it. I really do not know how I will react if I make another bad decision. I might just spontaneously combust because I am so freaked out. Sometimes I think it would just be better for me to stay where I am because it is safe, and familiar and I do not have to worry about anything changing. But if I do I will NEVER GET ANYWHERE in life.
I have to move. I have to change. I have to jump.
God, please will you catch me.