And the Walls Came Tumbling Down

Physically speaking I am doing so much better than I was six months ago. I have made tremendous gains in recovery–like I’ve often said before–and have done things that I never thought I would ever do.

TOP 10 RECENT ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

1. I ate dressing for the first time.  And I finished the bottle. And then I bought another bottle of it.  And I finished THAT!! What is the name of this fabulous dressing you ask?  Why it is none other than Annie’s Goddess dressing and it is just FANTASTIC!  I love the subtle tanginess of the garlic, and salty-sweet flavor.

2.  I started visiting my grandmother–who lives an hour away–once a week.  This alone is a HUGE accomplishment for me because before I absolutely REFUSED to go down and see her (lol not because she is a horrible terrible woman, which she is not) but because the drive required me to….sit…..for over an hour.  And I hate hated sitting.  But now I can go down and see her whenever I want and for the most part not feel any guilt whatsoever!

3.  I haven’t starved myself in over 6 months from eating a meal because I felt like I was “inactive.”  It has been hard and very frustrating when I feel like I have sat for too long but I have been able to push through and still eat during these times.

4.  I have eaten a meal before exercising. This used to be a HUGE no-no in the eating disorder handbook for me, but now I can eat before exercising and not feel super guilty.  In fact I actually have the opposite reaction–I will freak if I don’t get to eat before exercising because I am deathly afraid that I will not have any energy and will not be able to work out.  Mostly though it is just a fear and has not happened to me yet.  I’m still working on conquering this one.

5.  I have cut out at least 40 minutes of exercise from my old routine. And I haven’t regretted one bit of it.  To be completely honest, I am actually scared of becoming very lax in my workouts.  Many times I will find myself absolutely dreading the workout and will just…..um…..sit (gasp!) in my car and read for like an hour before going in.  This is how painful and tedious my workouts have become.  I know it is just my body and myself telling me that I need to freakin take a day off and get some rest!!  Eventually I will get there….eventually.

6.  I reached a BMI of at least 18.  Yeah…still dealing with this one and freaking occasionally that my body is bigger than it used to be but…for the most part…I’m dealing. Not restricting. Not adding in more exercise.  Just dealing. 

7.  I eat muffins and I like them.  This one makes me laugh actually.  Muffins are pretty much one of my favorite foods.  I buy this really amazing brand called Plan D in Walnut-Raisin.  They are all natural, and made with oatbran, applesauce, egg whites, flax, and honey and are super low in sugar.  The first time I tried them was on my 21st birthday.  I remember that I was terrified of them and couldn’t decide between them or the Apple Cinnamon because one was higher in sodium and one was higher in carbs.  I also remember saying that this was like an occasional thing and only for special treats.  HA!! Now I gladly eat them at least every other week!  Yummay!

8.  I eat sweet potatoes.  They are my loves.  Never before would I have eaten them because I was terrified that they didn’t come individually wrapped with their own handy-dandy nutrition label.  Anything that I can’t accurately measure freaks me out.  But a couple of weeks ago I just decided to bite the bullet (pun intended) and eat them.  And now we are spud-mates 🙂  I think they are most delectable with a shmear of peanut butter.

9.  I can hang out with friends.  Before I was so obsessed with exercising that I could not figure out how to schedule time with friends and get in my time every day.  Sadly, many time I would have to turn down a fun night because I needed to exercise instead. But now, with thanks to my trusty 24 hour gym and the time I’ve cut back on, I can plan my day and still have time for friends.  It’s still a tad obsessive but now I don’t feel so restricted. If I want to go shopping–I can!! I have freedom!!  And pretty much that’s all that matters

10.  I don’t want my anorexia back.  I’ll say it now. I’ll say it again, I’ll say it a thousand times:  I AM SICK OF MY EATING DISORDER!!  I can’t even begin to detail in how many ways it has ruined my life!  It robbed me of relationships, it destroyed my body, and it made my life a living hell!!  Even though I still struggle with the gained weight, worry about going overboard, and am not one-hundred percent happy, I do not want to go backwards.  Food has become almost a desperation for me. I find myself craving it even when I am not hungry, and sometimes overeating on fruits even when I know I’ve had plenty.  This past year screwed everything up so badly that I am having to learn how to eat right all over again.  I used to know how pretty well during my recent years of recovery. I planned out my meals, I didn’t eat more than what I had planned, I didn’t feel out of control.

Unfortunately, now my relationship with food is not so great.  Don’t get me wrong though–it’s not like I seriously overeat or binge or anything.  It’s just that I don’t feel satisfied when I’m done eating.  My usual meals just don’t cut it for me anymore and I always find myself craving more when I’m done eating, or even just adding more to the meal when I’m done.  If I’d let myself I probably end up eating all three of my meals in one sitting.  That’s how desperate for food I am.  It’s like even though my body is no longer deprived, my brain is still in starvation mode. 

And this scares the crap out of me!  What if I can’t stop?!  What if I never learn when enough is enough?!  What if I never make peace with food?!  Sometimes I just feel so out of control with food.  Does anybody else have any thoughts or experience with this?

So, that’s where I am right now.  It’s not the best place and unfortunately I have to do some reconstructing and learn things alllllllll over again, but I am a lot better off than I was before.  I’ve got a long way to go still but I’m slowly getting there. 

Maybe one day I will finally be free of the confines of my eating disorder and be able to live life.  I’ll just have to keep picking up my hammer and swinging away for now.

And the walls came tumbing down….

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “And the Walls Came Tumbling Down

  1. Fi

    First of all WELL DONE AND MASSIVE pat on the back for your progress! its amaazing! re: wanting more food, your body probabaly wants a higher bmi than 18, thats what i would be thinking anyway, scary as that may be for you, its a definite possibility!
    xx

  2. Jenn

    I just wanted to say, I know EXACTLY what you mean with being scared of wanting more food! I am at that point right now, still following the meal plan, but it’s hard when I’m just not satisfied. Has it gotten any better since you wrote this? My dietitian says part of it is my body isn’t totally back to its “set point” although my weight is healthy, and the other part is just the deprivation part. She says to keep going and it will work out eventually!

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