Starting Over

Hello again.  P.S. I suck at blogging so don’t get your hopes up that I might continue.

I don’t even know where to start.  So much has changed since I last was a fairly consistent blogger at my old url.  In short exercise began to overtake my life and it has brought to this place of utter depression, despair, and hopelessness like I never thought possible.  Although I am still eating at least 3 meals a day with 2 snacks, apparently the amount of exercise I do cancels out all of these calories and has wrecked havoc on my body.

I never thought that I would ever in my life be in the place I am now.  My body is, as far as I can tell, beyond repair.  I have trouble walking, my feet hurt constantly and something (I don’t know what) is very wrong with my entire right leg.  Sometimes I will experience a sharp shooting pain in my right foot that makes it very hard to stand, let alone walk.  At least every other day my knees throb in agony, a pain so uncomfortable that it seems to stem from the very bones.  I hate exercising.  I hate that I am obsessive.  I hate that I can’t just wake up one day and do whatever the HELL I want without having to worry about how exactly to plan my day.   EXERCISE ALWAYS HAS TO COME FIRST AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!!

  Yet, no matter how much pain I’m in or how tired I feel, I still  stubbornly keep on pushing never letting myself stop.

I want to recover.  I really do.  I just….I don’t know.  I don’t know what’s holding me back.  Sometimes I feel scared.  Sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes I have no idea what I even think anymore.  I am so lost, and so confused, and so torn between the two sides.

I really don’t want to live like this forever though.  And I’ll be damned if my eating disorder is going to win.

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