Exercise is Hell!!

It seems like every time I embark on the road to recovery I never stick with it for very long.  Sometimes my decision to recover is influenced by how I am feeling at a particular moment or sometimes it is spurred because of a certain event.  No matter what the factor, it always seems like I am looking for a reason to recover.  As if that should somehow be a legitimate enough excuse to change the way I’m living.

I guess I feel like if I don’t have a good enough reason to recover then I am really just cheating myself and stupidly giving up my eating disorder when I don’t have to.  Like I was tricked into changing.  Sigh.  It just all seems so confusing….

Anyways, right now I am feeling that certain “push” to start recovering again.  Over the course of just a few short months I have managed to diet myself down to my lowest weight ever.  This was due mainly to overexercise and falling headfirst for the lies set up to ensnare me.

I can pretty much pinpoint exactly where I first started heading downhill.  It all began with the part-time job I was working at over the winter and into the summer.  Because the job was extremely unproductive and unsatisfying and I basically did nothing all day long, I began worrying about the amount of exercise I was doing.  Pretty soon that led into me believing that I needed to increase my cardio on the days I was working, sometimes straining my body so hard that I would collapse on the couch when I got home.

Then, largely because of the extremely negative experience with the job, I began believing that I needed to be constantly moving all day long.  Soon I found that I could no longer be immobile, if you will, for longer than 2 hours at a time. I couldn’t watch T.V., I couldn’t read a book.  I couldn’t do anything without feeling extreme guilt for not being in motion, active, productive.  I couldn’t even study. 

It SUCKED SUCKS.

HARD.

And then slowly I found myself unintentionally increasing my cardio.  It started just a little bit at a time.  An extra few minutes on a walk, a couple walks at night, a little bit longer on cardio.  Soon I found myself trapped, unable to stop.  Exercise no longer became something that I did to strengthen my body, improve my fitness, or alleviate stress.  It became an obligation.  An obsession.  A requirement.  I had to do it.  Everyday for the same amount of time.  No matter what.

I hate that I was so naiive.  So stupid.  I remember hating my body and thinking how fat I was and how I needed to change.  Some days I would feel extremely fit and lean and toned, and others I felt so squishy and bulky and just plain gross.  I was never satisfied with my body and I never felt like I was doing enough.  I always had to do more.

And so gradually my exercise time increased to what it is now.  Every day I have to exercise for at least 2 hours.  Not all once mind you but spread out throughout the entire day.  That makes 3 long walks, and one intense sesh of cardio.  I used to do weight lifting 2 days a week but that just becamse so cumbersome and tiring, and I was spending so much time on cardio that by the time I was done with that I didn’t have time for anything else. 

I wish I could stop.  I want to stop.  Practically every day I cringe  cry at the thought of having to crank out one more round, pound through one more exercise.  But after a while, no matter how much I dread the thought of going out again, I am so overcome with guilt and worry and anxiety that I forget about being tired and start exercising.  I just keep going.  And I can’t stop.

The worst thing is that now I see and know what the constant overuse, stress and strain is doing to my body. I am slowly killing myself.  My knees give out on me frequently when I walk, there is a dull aching pain at the ball of my right foot that hasn’t gone away for some time now, my right knee sometimes locks on me when I’m walking, and regularly a sharp, sickening pain shoots up my legs and around my knees. 

I’m only 20 years old but I have the body of aging, 50 year old woman. 

Damn I hate ANOREXIA!!!

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1 Comment

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One response to “Exercise is Hell!!

  1. Hey! I just found your blog and I love the way in which you describe recovery because I can relate to it in so many ways because I am struggling with an ED as well! This post honestly describes how I feel EVERY DAY. When I was reading it I actually was thinking it was something I wrote. I guess what i’m trying to say is your not alone. Exercise issues have been really hard part of my ED and I have attempted to come up with ways to alter them. I’ve learned though that when I am exercising it’s more of a compulsion than an actual need and by no means does this make it any easier to stop it helps me to see that nothing bad will happen to me if I don’t exercise. Anyway, I hope that you’re able to keep fighting and staying strong because you deserve life without ED!! 🙂

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